Christopher Street

Don't gotta live like that no more

I sometimes think that when I go public with things, things that I want to do, or be...that I might have a better shot at actually doing them...or being them. It doesn't always work. I famously announced in this very blog that I would learn to knit socks in 2004. And, then, you know, I didn't. I did later, but that hardly counts.

However, in that spirit, here's my testimony. :)

I live my life in a state of barely controlled chaos. Dishes are rarely caught up. Laundry is never done, until I run out of underwear. When you have as much underwear as I have, that means that laundry can pile up for weeks on end. When I do do laundry, I rarely put it away, because my closet is so jammed with clothes that I don't wear that there's no place to put the clothes that I do wear. Cat food dishes get washed only when there are no more dishes to feed the cats on...and even then, I must say, it's not out of the question to feed them on paper plates until I get around to cleaning theirs. I put gas in my car only after the gas light comes on, and even then, frequently only buy enough to get me where I am going, a habit which makes my mom nuts.

Now, the thing is, this level of chaos makes me have anxiety. I am constantly afraid that the toilet will back up, and a plumber will need to come into the house, and I will be mortified.

However, for the 25 years since I moved out of my parent's house, this anxiety has not kept the house clean.

This is not to say that it is never clean. We have had services, off and on, over the years, and they certainly do a pretty good job of imposing order on my chaos. But as soon as they...move to alaska, or have some sort of freaky brain operation, or get themselves fired for any number of infractions, the chaos, barely suppressed, breaks free.

Two years ago, we forced order on the chaos, and I promised myself that I would persevere. I was so calm, so at peace in my very tidy, very organized house, that the 30 minutes per day (and $200 per month for the cleaning service) seemed to be a trivial investment in a lifetime of serenity.

I told myself, every day, that my life could be different. That I could be that girl, the one with the clean house. I told myself every day that I don't gotta live like that no more.

That last is a quote from Jason Mewes, Jay to Kevin Smith's Silent Bob. As a recovering heroin addict, Jason tells himself that every day when he wakes up and faces a smack-free life. I am not doing drugs today because I don't gotta live like that no more.

I am doing the dishes because I don't gotta live like that no more.

Two years ago, sadly, it did not stick. My life spiraled--again--out of control. An angry vortex of undone laundry, and dirty dishes, and junkmail and an empty gas tank. I would occasionally look at the dis-order and think...man, I should do something about this. I should...just...well, I could start by...or maybe, I could dig out that cleaning schedule...and then I could...

I became fatigued just thinking about it.

But now, once again, we have pulled out of the abyss. My laundry? Completely done. My closet? Totally organized. Clothes I don't wear? Given to charity. Seven lawn bags full. My dishes? Caught up? Cat plates? All clean, except for the ones that are currently being eaten off of. Mail? Sorted. Yarn? Organized into clear plastic boxes. Gas tank? FULL. And there is a very stern new housekeeper, and she will force me to keep up with it.

Apparently, I don't gotta live like that no more.

Posted by Lori at April 14, 2009 10:37 PM | TrackBack